I've posted two papers on Blackboard for all of us to peruse. Since these are our first BPR's let me remind y'all of the guidelines.
1) Read each paper, including the comments I made on them. They're under "Course Materials: BPR papers: Fall 2011." If you're having trouble accessing them, let me know in class and we'll see if we can figure out why.
2) Leave a comment on this post with some revision ideas for the authors, or general responses to the papers. The comment doesn't have to be long, you get credit for commenting no matter how short your response is. I mainly just want you to see some examples of papers in the revision-stage with my comments on them; hopefully this will help you as you write and revise your own papers and give you a sense of how I read/respond to papers.
3) The due date for your comments is technically the last day of class, but the sooner you read and comment, the more helpful you'll be to the authors of the papers. And also, you probably don't want to be stuck reading papers at the end of the semester when you'll be wanting to finish writing your own.
I've kept the authors of these anonymous, but don't use that as an excuse to be overly harsh in your comments. I know we've had some responses to the Critical Analysis papers that are less than productive. If you're going to offer advice for the papers, keep it constructive. That means that instead of saying, "I think you really messed this up," or "This just totally sux," you should say something like, "in your next draft, maybe consider adding..." Be Christlike, y'all. Imagine how you would feel if you were the author reading the comment.
And this is just a random point that came up. Remember, a Critical Analysis paper is a paper that 1)splits things into bits (tools) in order to make a 2) critical judgment. It is NOT a "deeper" look at a text. Nor does it necessarily deal with "what the author *really* meant." It simply looks at tools and how they're successfully or unsuccessfully used for a purpose. Make sense?
does everyone in the class get a chance to do this?
ReplyDeleteFor BPR1 CA (On "Mother Eve") I noticed an issue with parallel structure: I think it would sound better if you wrote, "Eating the fruit was not the end of the world. Quite the opposite: IT WAS the beginning of mankind." (Thought..obviously..without the caps. You know what I mean.)
ReplyDeleteThis isn't necessarily a requirement for CA's I guess, but I did like that I could read your analysis, sense that it WAS an analysis, and yet at the same time still learn some things about the Fall and Hebrew language!
For BPR2- eBay wristband:
ReplyDeleteI can see what SWILUA meant about turning off some of your audience by complaining about college. But I also just think your intro is REALLY long and talks about a LOT of things- so where there's maybe some humor involved, I think too much of a good thing may be proving a bad thing here. So, for that reason, I agree with her that taking one of those things- i.e. the sprained ankle in dance class or the writing about Nazis till 2:00 AM (though I'd be willing to bet that there are PLENTY of kids playing COD till 2..) and taking that at an individual narrative approach would be better.
Also, from your tone in here, I kindof get this image of (I'm not calling names, just talking about your tone) a really, really whiney college kid.
Dr. Spencer suggested that you take the "I want my Mommy!" approach, and I think I'm going to agree with her there as well. I think that's relatable, and I also think it offers a good opening for either some nostalgic-type emotion or humor, both of which would be mucho bueno!
Good luck.
Chris, I believe we get to do two papers per week. It's in the syllabus.
ReplyDeleteBRP One- Good analysis. I like how you stated your tools so clearly. I would re-work your thesis a little bit, work on clarity and making it concise. I also liked how you used examples to support your tools. Well done.
BRP Two- First impression of your paper. You are angry. And super opinionated. That shut me off immediately because my opinion is different from yours. I believe this will limit your audience greatly. You have some good potential selling points, but to me your negative attitude negates those points. To fix this, I would try to write your paper in a different tone. You can still express your feelings about college, but can make it funny instead of angry. Think about the wedding dress example Professor Swilua showed us in class. That paper could definitely have been angry, but was made funny instead. Try to write it like that. Good start overall!
For BPR2- EBay Wristband:
ReplyDeleteI think you went overboard with the sarcasm. Sarcasm can be a very helpful tool to gain an audience's interest. But if it isn't handled the right way, you can ultimately turn off your audience.
Your complaints were so numerous and your story dragged on so long that part of the way in I forgot what the purpose of the paper was. It seemed like you were simply complaining for the sake of complaining and that it didn't serve some greater purpose, and so I lost interest. It would be okay to get lost in your story and then finally be reminded that you are trying to sell us something, but you have to connect with us emotionally in order to make it work, especially if the story is as long as it was.
Your complaints also seemed exaggerated. I mean, is having to memorize acronyms for the buildings or not snagging a t-shirt shot out of a cannon really that bad? I don't know, maybe I just have different values or something. But at any rate, you sounded like you were whining, which dissolved my sympathy, preventing me from forming an emotional connection with you or your item.
Pity can be a powerful tool, but first we have to be made to relate to your pain.
I hope this is helpful.
Keep up the good work.
For eBay Wristband:
ReplyDeleteFirst off, take care of everything that Dr. Spencer's notes suggested. She knows her stuff.
Second, I feel like this paper is one big fat list of complaints. Sure, the shock of going to college is significant, and NSO really wasn't the most fun or particularly helpful for the majority of us freshmen. I think that while you were into your rant you forgot about your audience periodically, and then you would remember and attempt to bring them back by making some comment about them having better things to do with their time. Don't do that. They already have those thoughts going through their heads, and if you acknowledge them, they're gonna go, "Huh, she's right," and move on to a different item before you can say, "Another one bites the dust."
In other words, try to be more upbeat about your wristband and really sell it. Think obnoxious salesperson. Anticipate your audience's doubtful thoughts, and without stating them out in the open, contradict them with a strategically-placed assertion about the wristband's value.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I hope that helps!
Mother Eve Critical Analysis:
Okay, you're on the right track here. Just be more aggressive about inserting transitions, and never never never forget to explain to your audience why each of the tools works for communicating the main point. Also, you have an impressive quantity of support for your arguments, but it is just a little too much. You've said your piece; your audience sees things your way. As Dr. Spencer said, the extra stuff like the analogy just begins to make your paper "convoluted."
Otherwise, nice clarity of language and vocabulary usage. You are an effective writer.
Mother Eve Critical Analysis:
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have a lot going for you in this essay. I definitely agree with SWILUA that transitions in and out of your paragraphs need to happen. Also, in the last concluding paragraph I would consider rephrasing this part of the text "Among the highlights is Eve’s courageous choice to partake of the fruit, thus catalyzing mortal life on earth." Just make sure to address the effectiveness of the article on the intended audience because I don't really get a sense of that until the last sentences of the paper. overall nice work!
Ebay Wristband:
I felt like you were complaining the whole time, which doesn't really evoke emotion in your audience, just annoyance. Don't present your item at worthless, you're just setting yourself up for nobody to want to buy it.
The part where you quote what your grandpa would always say, put quotations around "the good ol days are over." I think you've got a lot going for you, but try to have more of a story and have that story stir the readers emotions. Nice work though!
For BPR1- Critical Analysis of "Mother Eve"
ReplyDeleteIt was good. I thought you brought up some interesting points, like the "crossing the street" analogy (the one SWILUA recommended that you omit) and the passage's use of semantic contextualization (e.g. the meaning of "help meet" in biblical context). I enjoyed reading it.
I was a little confused about what the goal of your paper was. Your intro brought me under the impression that it was going to be your own feminist persuasive essay rather than a critical analysis.
You also forgot to mention in your thesis what the passage's message was. You got the tools down, but I was confused because I didn't understand what the tools were being used for, an important thing to know when I'm about to delve into the thick main body of the analysis.
I also agree with SWILUA's comments and suggestions. Work on your transitions and paragraph endings. Also shorten it a little. You don't need to include all of your good ideas, just enough to write an effective and informative analysis.
Keep up the good work!
BPR #2 I really did enjoy this paper. I really like the flow of the essay, and the rich context that it has. You give many examples, and back up all of your analysis. I feel that the biggest thing that may consider working on is 1. keeping the audience aware of the direction of where you are going 2. Becoming a little more foreword with you analysis. I feel that although you have great analysis, I felt a little dragged by it, meaning that all you need to do is just be a little more direct with the analysis and it's really great.
ReplyDeleteBPR #1
ReplyDeleteI really like what you're selling. I think that's it is clever and funny. In your intro paragraph, I might consider beginning sooner, meaning that you should get to the point. This is important because you're selling to people browsing quickly through ebay, an you need to grab their attention real fast. Also, it's very sarcastic, which I love, but I might be a little careful with the extent of which you do it. Also, the people who are going to buy the band might not want to hear about so much of your personal experience, though it's really funny, I don't know if it helps sell. I might consider concentrating of selling it a little more directly.
For BPR #2 - I have to agree with Erik. A bit too much sarcasm, but good over all! Keep up the good work! You're doing awesome!
ReplyDeleteBPR #2-- you lost my attention in the first sentence. "since when did women have to start fighting for equality?" ...this is a questions usually asked sarcastically, but it appears that you mean for it to be taken seriously, because your next sentence discusses when exactly a human being first is discriminated against for being a woman. I would cut out that question, or reword it.
ReplyDeleteBPR #2-- I really don't want to buy anything from this author, because they keep complaining about how hard college is and how stupid all of the activities are...I understand you are trying to connect with your audience, and often people do that by finding things they both hate, but try not to overdo it and come off as a privileged person that finds their world unsatisfying.
ReplyDeleteBPR #1 (Critical Analysis of "Mother Eve")
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a great job on this analysis. Your arguments for the effectiveness of the article were clear and easily followed, and you used adequate quotations to back them up. It's hard to think of anything original to say when your paper has already been so thoroughly picked through but my biggest suggestion is to really nit pick your sentences to improve the flow. You have all the information present, it just needs to blend together. Overall, good work.
BPR #2 (Ebay Wristband)
I'm going to have to agree with the general vibe of the comments above: it's a little bit whiny. Your descriptions of NSO and college life in particular came off as negative instead of humorous. I think if you focus on your own weaknesses, missing home, not knowing how to fix your ankle, then the audience will be more receptive to your wristband. Keep it lighthearted and avoid words with negative connotations (stupid, waste of my time) and instead replace them with words that have positive connotations. You have a good base, just revamp the stories to make them a little more appealing to your audience and I think you can sell that wristband. Good work.
BPR #1-Nice job overall, just one sentence suggestion. What's with the "when is a woman an athlete" sentence? It matches the overall mood of the essay you are analyzing, but it looks out of place just hanging out in idle italics above the main body of your essay.Is it a quote? Putting it in italics, and giving it an author would make it look more at home.. I think that would help make the opening a bit stronger.
ReplyDeleteBPR #2
Selling the wristband is almost an afterthought in this essay. I think you were on the right track, trying to build up some awe and mystique around this wristband through the use of a story, but the selling of the wristband was shadowed by the account of what seems to have been a really awful day. (I'm sorry you didn't have fun, incidentally. Has college improved any? :) Maybe focus on the wristband a little more, and the negative experience a little less. Tell us about this product, and remember, the purpose of this essay is to sell your wristband. Why would I want a wristband associated with a really bad day?
Perhaps you could draw the conclusion that your horrible, awful, exceptionally nasty day was the result of this wristbands mystical bad-luck granting powers, and you are selling it to
A) Get rid of bad luck yourself
B) Give your customer a first-rate chance to foist a bad-luck charm off on some enemy.
Wristband Paper: I would change the tone because it turned me off from the start and I think it hurt your persuasiveness.
ReplyDeleteMother Eve Paper: I think that you analysed how ethos was appealed to. One thing I would like to see is some description of some of the terms that are almost exclusively used in the LDS faith. For example, not everybody knows who "Heavenly Father" is. I might use a more general term that more people would be able to relate to. After all we are, if I am correct, the only church that believes we are literal descendants of God.
Mother Eve - I thought this was well done! The only thing I would mention that hasn't already been said is the one-word sentence. I think it is a little less formal and doesn't match the rest of the essay. However, since I'm the only one that mentioned this, I might also be the only one who thinks it doesn't fit. Something to think about I guess. Great job again!
ReplyDeleteWristband - I thought there were a lot of good ideas in this one. The way I think of this assignment, is that you need to create a persona (narrator) that people like. Then, when you tell them to buy something, they'll do it. You do that by pointing out how hard life is - people can relate to that. But like the others said, you may want to make it just a little more positive. I think a really positive person is easier to like than a really negative person.
You'll notice that I just said "I think" like ten times.That's cause this is all my opinion. It's free advice, that I'm obligated to give for class, so take it for what it's worth. Great work so far!
Red Wristband BPR
ReplyDeleteI think your writing might be a little too pessimistic. Negativity isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can be really effective if combined with humor and sarcasm. But knowing that the wristband was around when you had a terrible day and your college hopes were destroyed makes me have negative feelings toward the item, which in turn makes me not want to buy it. So maybe add some more humor or something else that makes the feelings associated with your item seem more appealing. It isn’t bad though! I enjoyed reading it. Like KCS said, it is a good start!
Eve BPR
I thought this paper was really good! And I am glad you asked about the “appeal to logos/ethos/pathos” thing, I was confused as well. I don’t have much to add to the professors comments. I would just echo trying to connect your paragraphs to the thesis. They are great paragraphs, it is just easy to forget the thesis and adding those sentences will help remind the reader of your main points.
Eve BPR
ReplyDeleteI liked your paper. Just keep in mind your main points and be aware of how your sentences flow. SWILUA pretty much said it all in her review of your paper.
Wristband BPR
Though your paper was hilarious and gave some really nice points, I didn't really feel persuaded to buy the wristband. Like SWILUA said, your not trying to make buyers feel bad for you, but persuade them to want to buy the wristband. You have all the right material, just change the tone and that will really help! Great start!
BPR #2
ReplyDeleteI love your conversational tone, but I have to say, sometimes it comes across as a little harsh. You don't need to be grumpy about going to college, and yet everything you say pretty much makes it seem like you are ungrateful; self-centered roommate, woke up for nothing. I would also down play the fact that you think the wristband has no value. You are trying to SELL IT! You could do this maybe through mentioning that you suffered through all the ceremony and now are grateful for all the people you met or the info you learned, maybe how at the dance you met some really cute guy and he commented that he liked the color of your wristband- something that's a little more appealing that orientation...
Lindsay Painter
BPR #1
ReplyDeleteI think Professor Spencer helped a lot with this, but "cutting the fat" out of your sentences will help to carry a clear message to your audience. There were just a few places that I had to reread the sentence to understand what it was saying. Great start though.
Also, make sure that you do come back to what you are convincing the audience. Making that more clear in the introduction would also be good. What is Campbell trying to convince his audience specifically? Otherwise, very well done.
Lindsay Painter
BPR #1- I thought this was a very well written paper. I think you used great diction when describing the tools and that made your paper more interesting to read. Great job!
ReplyDeleteBPR #2- I thought your paper had some very funny parts, but like almost everyone else has said, it seemed a little whiny.
BPR #1 - It did get convoluted through out the paper. I can tell you put a lot of work into it, so after you use the comments Dr. Spencer gave it will be great. I would especially look at the tone. I know that it should be your own but beware of straying too far from analysis
ReplyDeleteBPR #2 - The introduction has wayyyyy too many ideas in it and it confused me. The ending also confused me you say it's worth it to buy the wristband like college is worth it, but the whole paper you explain why college is so terrible. I'm not an expert but the 1980's called and they want their teenage angst back. Sorry this paper just kind of offended me.
Wristband ebay paper: I was entertained by your story about New Student Orientation but when you said "this is where my wristband comes in," I didn't really see where it came in. I felt there needed to be a little bit more story about the wristband.
ReplyDeleteCritical analysis: I think once you take SWILUA's ideas it will be superb. Sometimes the tangents you went off were unclear and it was a little lengthy but SWILUA said that already.
Both were good but can be great when other's commentary is taken into account.
It was very helpful to read the ebay paper. After reading that paper and your comments I feel more confident that I am heading in the right direction with my paper.
ReplyDeleteI think the critical analysis has some editing to do, but is starting out with a solid draft. Good work! I was also glad to be reminded of the 1 2 3 4 using examples worksheet on Blackboard. I think that paper is going to be priceless as I write my own CAs.
BPR#1-
ReplyDeleteWhile I get that you are trying to create an interesting opener for your paper, I think it starts off a little weak. "No feminist pitch intended" is the first thing the audience reads, and it just sounds as though you are apologizing in advance for your paper. This makes your argument a little weaker - not because you have a poor argument (its actually very solid), but because now the reader is looking for flaws because you start off with such a low opinion of your own paper. I think the evidences and analysis are very good, they just deserve a better introduction :)
BPR #2-
I'm going to have to echo some of the above comments on this one, the negative emotion seemed to drag down your paper. You seem to be giving the reader more incentive NOT to buy the item - especially in the second paragraph. The negative connotations of some phrases ("waste of time," "stupid," "little baby game") did not invite any positive emotion that would cause me to want to buy anything. You may want to try being a little more self-aware. The overall idea for the paper is very good, it just needs a little more fine-tuning :)
Mother Eve:
ReplyDeleteI agree that I'm not sure about opening with "No feminist pitch intended." I did not really find any major things, and there weren't many minor things SWILUA did not cover in her revision. I would change the sentence with the colon around at the beginning of page 3, possibly removing the colon entirely. Otherwise, though, the paper was pretty good.
eBay wristband:
I'm not quite sure which angle you're going for through the entire paper. At first you seem to be talking about how awful college is, but there's a rapid change of tack as you suddenly want people to buy the wristband because they didn't get that experience, and then suddenly there's the pity angle. Also, I might recommend being less self-conscious and self-referential. They realize you're selling a fairly worthless wristband, but you don't have to mention that to them.
BPR #1: I would change the intro-it's informal and attention-grabbing, but since this is a critical analysis, it doesn't have to be. I liked the examples you used, but I feel like there are too many of them; try narrowing down your tools and sticking more strictly to them.
ReplyDeleteBPR #2: I found your intro paragraph really funny, but I agree that it lacked focus a bit. I enjoy the informal feel, and I think you could make it work.
BPR#1: When making all of the changes suggested remember it's not a bad thing to have voice, just keep it analytically focused
ReplyDeleteBPR#2: I'd buy it
Wristband: You make a pretty compelling persuasive argument. However, I feel that you could have been even more cheesy, and told more stories about how this could change one's life. But it was well written! Good work!
ReplyDeleteBPR1: Very great analysis! Your thesis was very clear, and you made all of your points very well, also. I do agree with what Professor Spencer said in all of her comments. Good work though!
BPR 1: Good job! The beginning seems a little bit irrelevant with the athlete. I was a little confused about how it ties in.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Professor Spencer that you may want to bring in the audience more and relate the tools to them.
Great job though! It was readable and a thorough analysis. Nice work!
BPR 2: It like the idea, and it's very funny, but I was confused at the point you were trying to make. It sounded a tiny bit whiney to me almost, rather than funny. I would talk more about the actual wristband because I found myself wondering what the wristband had to do with your story, besides that you were wearing it. It is a super good idea, maybe just make it more clear.
ReplyDeleteBPR 1: I agree that the beginning of your article could sound more analytical. I was almost unsure whether it was a critical analysis or the beginning of an ebay pesuasive paper. I still felt like it was a great paper :)
ReplyDeleteBPR 2: I agree with Dr. Spencer's comments that you shouldn't draw attention to something that might remind the audience that this isn't really worth their time or money. But I love this paper. Its very entertaining. Thank you for sharing.
Paper 1: very concise and technical. not full of extra words, good job.
ReplyDeletePaper 2: very easy to connect to. perhaps introduce what you're selling a little sooner before talking about college, gives people something to read on for
BPR#1:
ReplyDeleteGreat Job!! perhaps try to be more formal at the beginning..
BPR#2
Very entertaining!!
Mother Eve: I agree with Dr. Spencer-- the tone in the beginning does not sound very analytical and it does not match the rest of the paper. It's a little too informal. Aside from the confusion at the beginning, it was good writing. Wuuu!
ReplyDeleteWristband: You definitely connected to the readers' emotions, but I'm not quite sure you established the connection between the wristband and the emotion, you know? But it was a very entertaining story! Thanks!
Paper #1: The very informal start of your paper sort of throws me off. Try to make is sound more like a critical analysis.
ReplyDeletePaper #2: I must applaud your marketing skills. With an advertising campaign like this, there is no doubt that your item will be a winning sell.