There are two papers posted on Blackboard for BPR--BPR #3 and BPR #4. (Find them under "course materials: BPRs: Fall 2011.")
Read these papers sometime in the next week (the authors would probably prefer by Friday since the final drafts are due Monday) and leave your own revision ideas/comments in a comment on this post. (They're short papers so it shouldn't take very long.)
Since this is the last full week of the semester, these are the last two BPR's I'm going to post.
Good luck to everyone!
Francesca/BPR #3:
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest a revision choice in "Dark Lord"--I'd assume you're talking about Harry Potter or something but for someone who doesn't get that, that sounds a little intensely dark and sinister.
Also, while I hate to say it, I'm confused about what you're selling- a "cootie catcher" seems to imply something that would keep bad things away, rather than something that would have anything to do with the future or predictions or anything like that.
So my suggestion, I think, rather than changing your whole paper, would just be maybe to think about changing the name of the object you're selling to a more appropriate title. All in all, not a huge change, but I think it would add some clarity.
Jennie/BPR #4:
I agree with some of SWILUA's comments- rather than drawing attention to it's worthlessness, and even drawing attention to the fact that, while it may be crap to someone else, it's meaningful to YOU- take on the dramatic tone, so that it's simply IMPLIED that it'll be meaningful to everyone BECAUSE of what happened to you.
This is a leeeetle bit on the....extremely cheesy side. So much that it's a bit much. I think you're trying to approach it with humor, which is great, but maybe try and appeal to an older audience- because the people on eBay aren't sixteen year old girls looking for their blonde dreamy soul mates, you know? Write about your blonde dreamy soul mate and everything but just write it in a way that it is humorous to adults as well.
And as a final thought, I agree again that you dwell a lot on the perfume and maybe should dwell more on the bottle.
BPR #3
ReplyDeleteFrancesca, good work! I really liked your tone and how you related the cootie-catcher to the future as well as the past. I wasn't confused by the name, but it is probably just because I am familiar with it. I can see why it could be confusing with the things that need "catching" at the beginning. I really like the Justin Bieber sentence, but I can see how that could be confusing to someone who isn't familiar with him either. I don't really have much to say about it, except that the fact you used a "z" in the word "skillz" basically fulfilled my existence. haha
BPR #4
Jennie, I quite enjoyed this. :) Yes, it was outrageously cheesy, but isn't everything involving 16 year old girls? haha The cheesiness actually made me more fond of it. Swilua makes a good point about trying to sell the magical properties of the bottle rather than the perfume itself. I think it works though, way to go!
BPR#3
ReplyDeleteI'm mostly just confused on what a cootie catcher is. It sounds like something you made up, when it vurtually has nothing to do with "catching". I'd have to agree with some of the other's comments in possible renaming it, or better clarifying the object.
I also agree with Jennie. The way it is written drastically reduces your potential buying audience. I think it is pretty funny, but make it funny to more than just teenagers who most likely won't be on ebay anyway.
BPR#4
This was so awkward to read...loved it! haha. One thing i'd say is again you're selling the bottle, not the actual perfume so I don't see why anyone would want the bottle when you talked up the perfume itself. It was really cheesy and I definitely agree with Dr. Spencer's comments at the end. Great job:)
Francesca BPR #3 - I loved the disguised Justin Bieber reference at the beginning. I don't think you should delete it. I think you could describe the item you're selling a little more.
ReplyDeleteJennie BPR #4 - I definitely agree with the comments above that it should be more about the bottle than the actual perfume. I don't think you need to delete what you have, just add to it. Love, love, loved the paper though! I was very entertained the whole time.
Both of these papers were great! I do have a few suggestions though...
ReplyDeleteFor BPR paper #3- I think the title should be changed from cootie catcher to some kind of predicting tool. Or focus on the item and the different ways you could use it. Awesome job!
For BPR paper #4- I loved the story about you and your friends and how the perfume contributed. But I still was not to persuaded to by the bottle- your point about how it could inspire you to smell good was really good, maybe just emphasize that more throughout the paper. I loved how cheesy you made it- so I wouldn't take that out.
BPR #3: I like your eBay item! I know what a cootie-catcher is, but it's true that others may not. I would expand on the "past" paragraph, since nostalgia is a powerful emotion.
ReplyDeleteBPR #4: I like your item too! I would also suggest tweaking parts of it so it focuses on the bottle. Maybe an exaggerated description of the bottle itself?
BPR #3 - Great idea for an item to sell. I think you should add another hypothetical situation like the one in the second paragraph. I really enjoyed that. And if you added another paragraph or two about the good ole' days when cootie catchers were common it wouldn't hurt. Good work.
ReplyDeleteBPR #4 - I agree with most of what's been said before me; focus on the bottle, not the perfume. But keep up the cheesiness. It makes for an entertaining read and I think, makes the reader a little more open to buying. Overall, excellent job!
BPR 3 Cootie Catcher
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea you have going here. Make sure when you go off topic into the randomness, it's either funny or adds to the point you're trying to make. I agree with others, add another hypothetical situation or maybe even develop it more. Make it a really jazzed up cheesy narrative.
-Heather Del Nero
BPR 4 Perfume Bottle
ReplyDeleteBe careful about changing tenses in the same sentence. I really like the story behind it. Try to talk more about the bottle some more like Professor Spencer said because it no longer has the perfume it. I like how you make it sound like a drug haha.
-Heather Del Nero
BPR #3: I really liked your paper! I ditto all above comments. I think your paragraph about the "blast to the past" is great but like other people said, could have a few more examples of nostalgia. I thought they were fun but there could be a few more.
ReplyDeleteBPR #4:Again, I agree with all the previous comments. I thought your paper was great!
BPR #3: I think a picture would certainly help clarify things, although I agree with Professor Spencer that the title may need to be tweeked. Also I think one thing that may damage your chances of a good sell is that the paper seems to be targeted toward a demographic that isn't likely to be spening a lot of time on ebay... just a thought, maybe change the tone?
ReplyDeleteBPR three- I was really confused for a while about.... a lot of it. I think that it will really help if there was an explanation or a pic of what you were selling.
ReplyDeleteBPR 4- Very entertaining and funny. Good job. But going along with what Pro. Spencer said, you talk about the perfume, not the perfume bottle. But you are selling the bottle. Try to see if you can tie the actual bottle in more. Good luck!
BPR 4- It's cheesy in a good way. Makes me laugh so hard. I agree with Prof. Spencer on the perfume thing, but don't focus too much on it because the story adds humor.
ReplyDeleteFrancesca: This paper is very funny and outrageous in a great way. I agree with Professor Spencer on maybe clearing up with exactly the product is early on in the paper for I didn't really know what it was either. I had to remember what you said in class. But your idea and persuasion is great. Very well done!
ReplyDeleteJennie: Your paper was so great. It was very funny, and like Professor Spencer noticed, I loved how cheesy it was. I agree that maybe you should talk about the bottle more, but overall the paper was really great!
BPR #3
ReplyDeleteThe only tiff I had was that I was confused from the very beginning on what exactly you were selling. So, as Professor Spencer mentioned, maybe tweak the name of it or something. A picture would help too.
Other than that, it was highly entertaining. Good job!
BPR #4
Good job on being super cheesy. I loved it! I really liked what Professor Spencer said about hinting more about the inspiration the perfume gave you and the inspiration it can still give others. Overall, it was great.
Francesca, I love your paper! It's very funny and I like how you appeal to people's emotions through their childhood. I already told you my thoughts on your paper in person, but I think it's great! (although I am sad you had to take out the JB stuff haha). You are awesome!
ReplyDeleteBPR 3: Fransesca, I really enjoyed this paper as well. I have to agree that with Dr. Spencer said about the cootie-catcher name.. I know that is probably what you grew up calling it but perhaps there can be another name used for it because that one kind of confused me. The fortune-teller description made more sense.
ReplyDeleteBPR 4: Hahhahaha hilarious. Im sure it was the perfume ;) Anyways, I really enjoyed it but maybe find a way to make the bottle more sellable. Because right now I would love to buy that perfume but I am not sure why I would want the bottle, you know? Great job!
Perfume. I would make it less obvious that it is worthless. Someone once sold a haunted rubber duck. The duck wasn't really haunted, but like Dr. Spencer said, I would make the bottle a magical bottle that will make any perfume you put in it magical too. I also think that it is a little on the long side. I would try to keep it on the shorter side of 1-2 pages because lots of people don't really want to read a big long thing.
ReplyDeleteCoodie Catcher. I really like the writing in the second paragraph. It is kinda bumpy and it kinda contradicts itself, BUT I LIKE IT. It makes me feel like I or you or both have butterflies. I think it is really skillful writing and I'm impressed. It is almost poetic. I also really like how you mentioned 4-square. probably because I played it last weekend, but I like it.
I think both of you have the right idea!
I really liked the fourth one. I hope it sells for alot
ReplyDeleteBPR 3: So I never knew why those things are called Coodie Catchers, but that is the real name. Anyone who actually used them in middle school will know that. I would only worry about changing the name of your product if you want to appeal to a more general audience. But really, what's the point? The person who buys this is going to buy it because it brings back memories of when they used a Coodie Catcher as a kid. If you have to worry about them not knowing the name in the first place, they probably weren't going to buy it anyway. That's just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteBPR 4: That's an awesome story! But I agree with all the other comments, you need to focus on the bottle not the actual perfume. Unless you say something like, "there are still three precious drops of this magical perfume clinging to the inside of the bottle. Though, not enough to spray, just keep the bottle in your peruse and true love is sure to find you." Something like that!
Two Claps for leaving this to the last minute! Sorry authors, but my weekend was a little more hectic than I'd hoped so better late than never.
ReplyDeleteCootie Catcher - I laughed out loud at this one at least three times. My roommate is starting to wonder what's wrong with me over here. Very well done I thought! It made me want to buy one. You should maybe consider actually describing the cootie catcher a little more so people understand exactly what it is, how big it is,what kind of paper or whatever. Just maybe more detail on the item itself. I really liked it though!
Perfume - this was very entertaining! You successfully created a magical air around the perfume. The only thing I would be worried about is if that wonder and awe doesn't apply to the bottle. It seems to me you're connected with the perfume and not the bottle. This could be a problem since you're selling the bottle, not the perfume. Very fun though! I think it'll be successful.
BPR paper #2 ...I totally forgot about cootie catchers!! ...this post made me want to make one again. I liked your appeal to memories of middle school, and I think I would have enjoyed a bit more of a trip down memory lane....coloring the different flaps with colored pencils, picking random numbers or animals for the inside folds...Cootie catchers were a big part of every girls' life. I think you should have appealed more to girls here, because I don't know any boys that ever made cootie catchers, but the ninja section was a nice way to try to appeal to a male audience. Still, I don't see any reason to buy your PARTICULAR cootie catcher--I can always make my own. But fun paper!!
ReplyDeleteBPR paper #4 ...sorry that one above was supposed to be #3... made me laugh so hard. I read it out loud to my 3 roommates, and we all want to know--what happened to your best friend that you liked for a whole semester? Did the new cute guy totally drive him out of your mind? Obviously, this perfume is not lucky for the boys. I would have left out the part about your best friend--it distracts from the magic of the situation. The story is written with very comical word choice, so I didn't really take your product seriously--It just seemed like a joke, and didn't evoke in me a desire to have something that symbolized my silly teenage years.
ReplyDelete#3- Pretty good. I never knew those things had a name though, so it took me a while to figure it out... Make sure you make it clear what you are selling for the people like me who don't recognize what it is. I like the variety of your images. Good work!
ReplyDelete#4-are you selling the perfume or the bottle? Kind of hard to tell. Other than that, your narrative is pretty good!
Paper #3:
ReplyDeleteLove the tone and excitement. It's very old-spice-guy-esque.
Maybe one more example in the first paragraph?
Paper #4:
Is describing those who use the bottle as 'twitterpated' going to make people feel better or worse about buying it? Do people want to be twitterpated?
- Forrest Lamb
BPR#3:
ReplyDeleteFun Fun... I laughed out loud when I read it. good job!!
BPR#4:
My only concern echoes those from above... perfume or bottle?? otherwise, Great Job!!
BPR #3: Francesca eBay
ReplyDeleteI agree with the teacher's remarks.
If it's a catcher, then say it "catches" glimpses of the future or something clever like that, something to better link the two ideas together.
BPR #4: Jennie eBay
ReplyDeleteYour third intro sentence would be more a lot more convincing if it said "have encountered" instead of "may have encountered."
I agree with the professor's remarks as well.
Good job for both!
Paper 4: Perfume
ReplyDeleteIt sorta made me uncomfortable to insinuate that guys magically lose all sense of propriety when girls smell nice, but other than that, the paper was good. I liked the line "too fruity, too christmassy, too spicy."
However, maybe you ought to add some more on why the BOTTLE is important, and how the BOTTLE can change our lives, rather than just the PERFUME.
In other words, hearken ye to SWILUA.
Paper 3: Catcher
You started out well, but it ends too quickly. Add more unrealistic examples of how this thing could change your life. But I liked the chatty nature of it.
Maybe add some other uses, too.
"You know, if you are really content not knowing the name of your future love, you could keep this on hand as extra kindling for the unavoidable event of your stove going out, and you find yourself cooking over an open bonfire."
I don't know. It just needs more BODY. But what you have is funny.
Sincerely,
Jarom Harrison
Paper 3:
ReplyDeleteI think you could probably get more humor out of the ridiculous situations. Instead of making them somewhat plausible, I would probably go the opposite direction and suggest that a Nobel Prize could very well be awarded to the buyer.
Also, I was not a huge fan of the concluding paragraph. The paper seemed to short to say "in conclusion," and I'm not sure why you referenced whoever Bryan Adams is, but I don't think that really fits either. I'd make the conclusion more about the reasons they would buy it, like the ones you started the conclusion with.
Paper 4:
I'm mostly going to refrain from comment because I understand very little about cheesiness or its appeal. It might be really good. I just know that I am not your target audience.
Wait, comment. I'd probably more imply that the perfume was responsible for romantic success rather than directly state it. Directly stating that the perfume alone is responsible adds kind of an element of absurdity that I don't think you want.
ReplyDeletePaper 3: I was thrown off by the title of "cootie catcher" because I have never heard of them referred to as that before, so maybe reconsider the title. You make valid points for why the reader should by your item. Definitely more convincing than some I have read. Maybe make it a bit more detailed, but Nice Work!
ReplyDeletePaper 4: You are very aware of your audience and I think that if you build up the value of the bottle as well as the perfume itself, you will really have a banging' paper.
Paper 3: I was also thrown off by "cootie catcher". However, I must applaud your paper for its ability to grab attention and keep it there through intrigue.
ReplyDeletePaper 4: An interesting paper. Good job writing your paper with a female audience in mind.
These papers were pretty bad... Bu they were very funny!
ReplyDeleteLoved these!
ReplyDeletePaper #1: You did really well, and if you follow the corrections made for you, I think it will be fantastic!
ReplyDeletePaper #2:Good ideas, although, like what SWILUA said, you really need to pick one idea to go off of. I almost feel like I have whiplash from going from idea to a different idea, then back so quickly. And don't be so "this thing is worthless but buy it anyways, and also, don't do the pity thing so much, it turns people off."
Paper #3: I felt like it ended a little too abruptly, almost haltingly. You need to clarify why it is a cootie catcher for all those who don't know what it is. It is pretty funny, though, just elaborate!
Paper #4:This was really good! good job!
BRP # 3
ReplyDeleteI would say to give some reasons for buying the wrist band at the beginning or clue the reader in to how this is organized. The beginning is a little cliche. Funny paper overall, just tie in some more emotion to the wristband!
Opps, that was number 2
ReplyDeleteThis is for #3
You have some funny things tied in just be more clear about the purpose of cootie catcher. I agree with SWILUA that the name itself implies something else and makes it hard for the reader to focus on the funny stuff about ninjas. Good luck!
I love your opening! It got my attention right away. Your story is cute, too. I think breaking up the paragraphs to make it easier to read and encourage people to keep reading. I agree that you could add a little something about how special the bottle is because that is what you are selling. Way to go!
ReplyDeleteCootie-catcher paper:
ReplyDeleteI though it was great! The conversational tone really set the mood to connect with your audience :) One thing I found a little odd was your paragraph about a nostalgic blast from the past - it wasn't mentioned at all in the introduction, so it caught me a little off guard. I would either a)put it in the intro or b) add more possible scenarios about predicting the future so this one paragraph doesn't stand out so much.
Perfume paper:
Absolutely fantastic! The sensory details made everything stand out even more. I agree with Dr. Spencer, it might be better if you wove the selling point for your item earlier in your paper.
Well done! thought out and coherent!
ReplyDelete:) I approve
Paper 3:
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this paper. It was very humorous and flowed well.
Paper 4:
Interesting appeal to your audience. I thought it was great!