“More deadly is the Nice Lady who never raises her voice, never utters the slightest profanity, but whose devastating words and emotional abuse leave permanent scars as disfiguring to the soul as any physical battering is to the body.”
My mom can give the worst unsuspecting, but terribly effective guilt trip. And you all know what I mean because I think all mothers do this. She has asked me if I have time to help her with dinner. On one of these reoccurring occasions, I was loaded down with homework and did not even see light at the end of the tunnel. I told my mom,
“No, I’m sorry.” She kind of gave that half sad sigh, half disappointed sigh as she said,
“It is okay” and left the room, quietly closing my door behind her. So what did I do then? You know what I did; I did what every other guilt-tripped child would do. I charged out of my room, hastily put on that kitchen apron and in an upset-trying to be sweet-voice, I asked my mother what she wanted me to do.
“I asked if you had time, Kiersti. And because you don’t have time, I’ll manage somehow. You don’t have to help me. I definitely don’t need your help if you don’t have the time” My mom mildly explained to me. What she really was saying was:
“I gave you a chance to feel good about helping me because you know I really do need help, but now you feel bad. It is your own fault, but since you feel so bad, you really can go back to doing homework and stop feeling bad.”
If I wasn’t frustrated before, I was definitely frustrated now! I calmed down enough to be relaxed and helped my mom prepare the rest of dinner.
My mom will never admit to giving us, any of her kids that is, a guilt trip. We all know that she does it though and in the worst way. My mom won’t own up to this because she is too “nice.” We’ve learned it is just better to surprise her by doing something around the house she would’ve asked us to do later anyway.
“Nice, in short, ain’t so nice.”
Very good take on the reading, it's sadly true how "niceness" works itself into our lives, especially in LDS society. I see it often, and, I admit it, I've been "nice" at times because it's accepted more readily than an angry voice and a few words saying what I really think. Well I'm going to say what I think. Let's stop being so NICE and say what we mean!
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's important to express how you truly feel rather than putting on a mask and saying what someone wants to hear... to a point. Feeling mean spirited or spiteful toward someone and expressing those emotions in a violent manner is also not helpful.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is exactly the same way. She can say so many hurtful things with just one vague criticism. For example, I hate shopping with her because if I try on something that she thinks looks bad, she will just give this blank look, and say something like "it's fine". I truly believe that I would rather her just come out and say, that is extraordinarily unflattering, put it back on the shelf right this moment.
ReplyDeleteToo true, the guilt trip seems to be a major tool of parenting. I'm kind of concerned about what to do when I am a parent because I don't want to use that at all. I'd rather try to find a better method.
ReplyDeleteI understand completely--when my mother doesn't like something, it isn't "nice". Nice to her is like some kind of perfect ideal, encompassing all virtues. I liked this article--I grew to hate the word "nice" as a teenager because I heard it so often. I was never really guilt-tripped by her per se, but I could always feel a constant pressure to be "nice". It's good to hear someone speak against all the "nice" people of the world.
ReplyDeleteGood job, Kiersti, that was a really good job. I'm sure you don't mean all those things you wrote, do you! I'm mean, some of those things might be true, and you really did a very good job with those, but I'm sure you know that some of that just doesn't make sense. But I'm sure you know that. After all, what's nicer than nice? I'm so glad when we agree!
ReplyDeletecouldn't agree more. One of my goals as a future parent is to master the art of the guilt trip. And this is definately a perfect example of "when nice ain't so nice." It always bothers me when my parents put a guilt trip on me because they are using a sense of innocence as well as acting like a victim in order to persuade me into doing something that they know i don't want to do.
ReplyDeleteCommunication is so bizarre, with all of our nonverbal messages, and unsaid but understood meanings. A friend once told me that he thought the highest for of respect is total honesty, and I think that in order to really be a good person, we have to learn to be honest, and that means saying things that we are afraid to say. We can't let niceness and our fear of offending someone keep us from being honest and straightforward, which will allow us to have open and trusting relationships, where anything can be said, no one gets hurt, and niceness isn't an issue.
ReplyDeleteAh, the power of a mother's words. I was on the debate team and some of the "polite" things debaters said in an oh-so-polite voice made my jaw drop. Good times.
ReplyDeleteHAhahahahahh, guilt trips.... it's how I even managed to get anywhere in life cause i'm so lazy. It's power alright.
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