Tanner E's Response to "Mother's Choice"

Hi.  My name is Tanner.   And it has been 15 hours since my last Facebook stalking experience.

 It’s Missionary Week in Heritage Halls, as you all well know, and my main goal for Missionary Week is no Facebook all week.  Starting today.  So naturally, I spent a healthy amount of time soaking up the blue and white screen last night.  And naturally, I stalked a few people.  

Did you know that Marissa* was a kitty cat for Halloween?  Let’s just say her costume was not exactly Honor Code appropriate.  College has definitely changed her.

Or do you know this girl named Maddie whose friend claims she met you but you have never seen her in your life?  Yeah.  Me neither.  But she listens to Sufjan, so she’s definitely cool.

These are just two examples of a typical experience on Facebook for me.  Judge me if you want.  Forever remember me as “the Facebook stalker.”  Honestly, I don’t really care.  Because I know who you are.  I know who your roommates are.  I know what kind of music you like.  I know what quotes really make you swoon.  I know about your boyfriend (or lack thereof).  I’ve got you pegged.

And this, my friends, is my problem.

My name is Tanner, and I stereotype.  But I am learning.  Before coming to BYU, I Facebook stalked all my roommates because that is just the necessary thing to do.  Anyway, I had them all pegged.  Antonio (still fake names here) was really into himself because he went to a prestigious arts school.  Francisco loves Andrew Bird, but he looks hyperactive.  Shane was your typical California kid: stuck up and too cool.  And Orangellomanickaniqua was definitely going to be sheltered.  I thought I knew them from a couple of pictures and a status update, but I was completely off.

These roommates—who I thought I knew—turned out to be completely different.  In fact, I can happily say, they turned out to be some of my very best friends.  And the funny thing is, they pegged me wrong too.  

And the saddest part is, I still do this!  I should really learn from my past, but instead, everyone I meet is categorized.  Potential freshman fling.  Hard core jock.  Immature band geek.  Wedding ring hunter.  Library addict.  The list goes on.

So let’s talk about Mother’s Choice by Anna Quindlen.  I promise I will tie these things together.  First and foremost, I love feminists.  That’s why I picked this article.  For some reason, I am always really really good friends with feminists (and vegetarians).  So if you are either of those (or if you listen to Sufjan and/or Andrew Bird) find me on Facebook.  

But the thing about feminists, as Anna Quindlen explains, is that they love to stereotype.  (Incidentally, the feminists that I do know also love Facebook stalking.  Go figure.)  Like Quindlen explains, feminists typically have all these misconceptions about motherhood.  Even more, they look down on these “sell-outs” who choose motherhood over careers.

Clearly, most feminists and I have a problem, as does most of the world probably.    We love to compartmentalize people.  Once we think we know them, we put them in a category and assume all the other character traits will align with the stereotype.  But guess what, they don’t!!

I, for one, am more than a English major.  I am more than a Mormon.  I am more than an cello player.  I am more than the music I listen to or the clothes I wear or my Facebook profile picture.  Everyone is.  And Anna Quindlen gets that.  It took her a few years and a heck of a lot of experience to learn it, but people are more than just a stereotype.  Quindlen so beautifully states, “I wanted to be somebody, and now I am—several somebodies, to be exact” (RFIW 132).  And these stereotypes, these compartments that we try to force people into are nothing more than misunderstandings.  If we, like Quindlen, take to time to see both sides, then (and only then) can we truly judge a person.  And more often than not, we will love both sides.  If we get to know the people behind the Facebook profile pictures, more often than not, we will love them (see roommate backstory above).

I’ve learned a lot by coming to BYU.  I’ve learned that making friends is predatory business.  In a matter of sentences, people will write you off as not good enough.  It’s pathetic, really.  But everyone does it!!  So here’s my challenge to you (and me) from Anna Quindlen: understand people.  Get to know them beyond hometowns and majors.  Sure, Facebook stalk.  It’s fun.  We all love it.  In fact, Facebook stalk me.  But if you do, really get to know me.  Don’t judge me by my wall posts and my interests, judge me by the conversations and experiences we will potentially have.

(But really...let’s be Facebook friends.)

* Names changed to protect Facebook identities.